THE  IDENTITY CLAUSE

Today’s update is a bit different but bear with me. Perspective is a powerful thing, I have often harnessed it as a tool to meet specific goals as a creative and felt I knew all there was to know of its nature, unfortunately…I did not.

I learned a tiny shift in focus can easily expose a myriad of epiphanies that can have you question your entire life.

Knowledge of the “Self” is not necessarily knowing your personality, it is more the awareness of your facilities as an individual on all planes, Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, & Spiritually. Identity is a concept that is often underrated on the path to wellness.

I was raised in a Christian home with loving parents and typical Christian values. I was raised to be selfless, put others first, and not seek self-validation in any way, shape, or form.

I grew up catering to the needs and wants of others at the expense of  figuring out who I was as an individual. As I waxed strong in age, I only found more avenues to serve, giving off my energy to friends and causes that I felt obligated to. Fortunately or Unfortunately, I managed to find work that capitalized on this trait – as a producer, I often had to anticipate potential problems and get ahead of them as well as prioritize the crew and team I worked with. I got paid to think of others. Don’t get me wrong I loved giving of myself and helping out, but I did not always do it wisely and eventually suffered for it. I grew up believing that who I was as a person was dependent solely on how I treated others, I thought being of “good report” made me a good person. This led to me being very agreeable and obedient, making me a great child but not a great adult.

In 2021, I made the life-changing decision to return to Canada and “begin” the next chapter of my life, before this change, I felt I was doing okay. I had a good head on my shoulders, a good job, and a loving supportive family. Yet within the first few months of being here, I realized I was not as put together as I thought, and this is when I realized my “selflessness” left little to no time for introspection. My failure to notice did not mean the absence of problems but rather an avalanche of them slowly biding their time.

Three months into my new reality, I began to grasp that I had not had a breather since 2016, I went to university, had internships every break, and managed to secure a job before graduation. I would stay in this job for a year and a half and branch into another that would occupy me for the better part of two years. I was so pulled into the things I found myself doing and put my all into them, but not for the right reasons. My temperament and upbringing led me to not place value on myself for the things I did, so much so that I went above and beyond for others and the fact that it got done was enough for my perfectionist self. My tendency to default to “Being the bigger person” often had me working overtime, denying myself, and oftentimes struggling to say “no”. Whether dues were given or not didn’t matter to me, I believed those were things a person should not seek or ask for, almost as though it meant I was proud.

In a similar vein, the pandemic of 2020 did a number on my state of mind. Many were going crazy due to the uncertain nature of the “New Normal” while I was at my wit’s end for completely different reasons.

While others feared what was to come, I feared what awaited me within the four walls of my room. I could not stand being inactive, what started as a desire to be kind and helpful had become an unconscious trait. I lived for work, I lived for family, I lived for friends…but who was I?

I had nothing to superimpose on and this made me realize I was a shell of a being, outside the things I did for others I did not have the slightest clue as to what summed me up as a person.

Although this period was short-lived, I was once again forced to face myself and the many complex layers I had neglected once I relocated in 2022.

Instinctively I felt the need to attach myself to something, a job, a community as soon as possible just so I could have a sense of normalcy or better yet…unconsciously find ways to live life the only way I knew how… in self-denial. Being a part of something was so crucial to me because I was incapable of validating myself, so I relied on many other things to help me feel confident or worthy and my jobs were one of those things.

Due to my unhealthy altruism, I had to be stripped of every external aspect of my life to build a sense of self  I should have had years ago.

This location change stripped me of everything, no longer distracted by deadlines, family, and engagements, I had only myself to serve. I had no choice but to see what it was I lacked and let the world mold me, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. What made it difficult was the realization that at the core of it all, I could not brave this new chapter without a sense of self and confidence in my identity and till that very moment I had none. Coming to terms with that shook me to the core, riddled with anxiety I had many panic attacks. I had to put in the effort to build a healthier relationship with myself.

I learned that identity and knowing one’s self as a person plays a pivotal role in the quality of life an individual has, it all starts with “self”. Once I grasped that I realized I had more stake in my life than I initially thought.

What seemed like selflessness and kindness for the sake of it, robbed me of multiple chances to build my confidence, figure things out on my own, find my voice, and be aware of myself. The idea of loving myself enough to stand my ground and not accept less than I deserve was virtually nonexistent.

What did I deserve? What would I not accept? What was I willing to accommodate? I could not possibly reach my full potential until I learned to value myself and have confidence in who I was, and I could not do that by living for others. To know who I was as a person, I had to ask myself what I wanted from my life and the kind of person I wanted to be, only then was I able to take the necessary steps toward growth. I had to learn that at the center of self-love, self-care, and mental wellness is my identity, the essence of who I am as a person and who I hope to become.

The path to wellness is not linear, my journey involved me embracing my fears and giving in to change, my body, in line with the universe, knew what I needed.

For you, it may be different, you may need to make a difficult decision, find peace or joy in a new habit or need a physical escape, but the only way to truly be aware is to take all the avenues you can to know yourself beyond your crafts, talents, and friends. Do not ever deny yourself or put your feelings on the back burner, they are yours and they are valid. Voice your concerns share your opinions, make mistakes, and own your presence.

Stay in touch and in tune with who you are as a person, our bodies have ways of showing us what to do. At the end of the day, we face difficulties now and then but the one thing that will always be constant is you, you are your solution and your peace.

Just like a muscle needs wearing down to be built, the difficulties we face can only wear us down for a moment, as cliché as this sounds “we grow through what we go through”.

When it comes to the wellness journey, I have learned to be open to difficulty, prior to knowing myself and being more aware of what epitomizes me, I gravitated towards feeling sorry for myself during my periods of inactivity.

I had to learn I was not my job nor the things I did or the love I did not receive, these things did not sum me up. I had to look within and identify myself outside the lenses of others. This allowed me to change my view and eventually change my life. I was no longer going through the motions, empowered in my identity, I now had control.

I had the power to not stay in places that did not value me, I had the power to reject situations that did not bring me joy, and the quality of life I sought was at my fingertips the entire time. Do everything you can to protect your individuality, we all lose sight of ourselves in this maze of life from time to time but when our minds get the best of us, it will be a much-needed guiding light.

PS. Kindly follow @pla.in.sight on instagram and visit our gallery for this week’s update.

Until next time, Stay in plain sight!